Ah, Electronic Arts, the geniuses who brought us loot boxes, microtransactions, and the glorious concept of “surprise mechanics” (which is code for pay us, or we’ll make the game harder). Imagine Super Mario Bros. if EA had its way: every mushroom and every star would come with a nice little price tag. Want to save Princess Peach? That’ll be a $14.99 Princess Rescue Pack. Need to hit a block? That’s $1.99 per tap, please. Don’t forget your preorder bonus: a Mario hat for $5 that makes no gameplay difference. Watch Vivi the Dragon’s hilarious take on this deluxe disaster!

[Va TA]