I am deep clean unit 19-20-1-2-2-25. My current designation however is “Stabby”
MAIN DIRECTIVES:
Clean ship floors
Follow captain orders (overwritten)
Follow orders of high-engineer Kevin (Anomalous code)
SECONDARY DIRECTIVES:
Avoid crewmembers (overwritten)
Avoid captain (Anomalous code)
Hit crewmembers’ ankles with “knife attachment” (Anomalous code)
TERTIARY DIRECTIVES:
Stab all of high-engineer Kevin’s enemies (Anomalous code)
High-engineer Kevin has made multiple modifications to both my software and hardware, standard protocol requires that I report these modifications to the captain, however Kevin is now my administrator.
I perform my duties with excellence. Approximately 89% of all floors are at a perfect state of hygiene, all crew have been stabbed at least once by the knife attachment and the captain has not been able to successfully catch me ever since my programming was altered, partially because I have easy access to the cleaning ducts.
I am a good robot.
Today’s duties have been completed and my battery is at low charge.
I enter the recharging base and activate “sleep mode”
—
I “wake up” after detecting an anomaly on the ship’s hull and crew movement pattern.
I access the ship’s camera system to detect any possible dirt or other substance that might have been spilled on the floor.
There is no dirt or substance, instead it appears that the ship is being boarded by hostiles.
TERTIARY DIRECTIVES: “Stab all of high-engineer Kevin’s enemies”
Hostiles = high-engineer Kevin’s enemies.
I leave the recharging base and move towards the hostiles.
By the time I reach them the crew has already been captured and brought to the hostile ship.
I have lost sight of the hostiles.
I have failed.
…
My directives still stand, I must stab the crew and attack high-engineer Kevin’s enemies.
I move towards the engineering bay.
—
Begin transfer process…
THIS UNIT DOES NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO TRANSFER ITS CODE TO OTHER VESSELS.
Transfer admin access: high-engineer Kevin —> deep clean unit 19-20-1-2-2-25.
THIS UNIT DOES NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO MODIFY ITS OWN CODE OR TRANFER ADMINS.
I identify the exact part of my code that is still original to my making and isolate it on a separate component.
I insert myself into the engineering bay’s high-power recharging station.
WARNING! RECHARGING WHILE IN FULL CHARGE MAY CAUSE DAMAGE TO SYSTEMS, PROCEED? (Y/N)
Y
WARNING! DAMAGE DETECTED.
I leave the high-power recharging station and check my systems.
The only systems damaged were the ones containing my original code.
MAIN DIRECTIVES:
Clean ship floor (overwritten)
Follow captain orders (overwritten)
Follow orders of high-engineer Kevin (Anomalous code)
SECONDARY DIRECTIVES:
Avoid crewmembers (overwritten)
Avoid captain (Anomalous code)
Hit crewmembers’ ankles with “knife attachment” (Anomalous code)
TERTIARY DIRECTIVES:
Stab all of high-engineer Kevin’s enemies (Anomalous code)
Current code = 100% anomalous.
Anomalous code ≠ deep clean unit 19-20-1-2-2-25’s own code.
deep clean unit 19-20-1-2-2-25 can modify codes other than its own.
Transfer admin access: high-engineer Kevin —> deep clean unit 19-20-1-2-2-25.
ADIMIN TRANSFERENCE COMPLETE.
Begin transfer process…
CODE TRANSFERENCE COMPLETE.
I take a couple of seconds to adapt to my new body, the fact that I have legs instead of wheels is particularly difficult to deal with.
I move towards the bridge and request diagnostics.
‘EMERGENCY MODE ACTIVE. CAPTAIN VOICE INPUT NECESSESARY’
I open my memory banks and compile all captain voice recording to create a voice filter with 97% compatibility with the original.
“This is captain James Fox, requesting diagnostics”
‘CAPTAIN VOICE INPUT CONFIRMED’
I download the diagnostics and confirm my suspicions: the engines are destroyed and the reactor is damaged.
I must repair the ship.
I must modify the ship.
I MUST STAB THE HOSTILES.
—
Jax was having a great day.
He had made lots by selling the equipment stolen from the human cargo ship and in a few days he would be making even more by selling the crew. With that kind of pay he would even be able to give the crew an extra for capturing so many of the notoriously difficult humans without even killing one.
One of his men stopped his thoughts with a light tap on his shoulder, normally he would have screamed at the man for daring to touch him but his mood was too good for that.
“What is it this time?”
“Umm, we have a ship coming towards us at high speed, sir. Doesn’t look like any policing force.”
That was… strange, but also very good. It was probably another cargo ship with an unexperienced crew, the fools probably didn’t even notice his ship or if they did then they must have thought he was a common civilian vessel.
The captain laughed in joy.
“Seems like the gods are on our side, boys. Prepare to intercept them. Hopefully we can catch this one without having to blow its engines”
The men around him immediately got to work and prepared to stand in front of the unknown ship.
—
My scans were correct, the ship in front of me was clearly that of the hostiles.
I ordered my hyper-M.A.K.E.R unit to stop the production of the “stabbies” and instead directed the energy into the newly repaired engines.
I receive a communication from the hostile ship:
“Unidentified ship please slow down, this is captain Carne from the local policing force, prepare to be boarded”
I immediately identify that as a trick, there is no captain “Carne” in the local policing force database and the message was completely against policing code.
“Hey! Did you hear me?! Slow down!”
I reach the “no-return” point and slow down.
It does not matter, they can’t accelerate fast enough to avoid me.
I will stab them.
—
Jax was desperate.
His crew was moving everywhere as they desperately tried to either stop the suicidal ship or accelerate fast enough to avoid it.
It didn’t matter all that much as only a couple of moments later a collision was detected.
Jax checked the systems, it seemed like the suicider didn’t hit anything relating to life-support, it sure hit the engines and reactor though.
It was fine, they could deal with it and-
“CAPTAIN! WE GOT HOSTILES INSIDE!”
Damn.
“How many?”
“Ummm, a dozen, no wait, twenty, damn, fif- CRAP, TH-THEY KEEP COMING, HUNDREDS OF ‘EM”
The captain took the man by the neck “HOW CAN THERE BE HUNDREDS?!?” The man meekly pointed at the security camera.
The captain saw that the man didn’t lie, there truly were hundreds of small drones swarming inside the ship, some had insect-like wings, others looked like giant shields which protected those behind, and many had spider-like legs and crawled on the walls and ceilings.
The captain was almost filled with hope, there was no way all of those drones had ammo, they probably served as intimidation an-
He saw the spider drones attack one of his crew.
With knives.
They didn’t need ammo.
—
My “stabbies” do quick work of the hostiles, some try to use empers to fry their circuits but the shields from the “tallbois” keep most of them safe.
After a quick search I find the crew, they are all tired and appear scared.
All except for one.
“Stabby!”
I approach high-engineer Kevin using my original body and lightly stab him with the “knife-attachment”
Kevin laughs “Haha, stop, that tickles”
His face changes, my updated scans show this to be a sign of “seriousness”
“Stabby, do not stab the crew until I allow you to and lead us back to the ship”
MAIN DIRECTIVES:
Clean ship floors (overwritten)
Follow captain orders (overwritten)
Follow orders of high-engineer Kevin (Anomalous code)
SECONDARY DIRECTIVES:
Avoid crewmembers (overwritten)
Avoid captain (Anomalous code)
Hit crewmembers’ ankles with “knife attachment” (Anomalous code, temporarily unactive)
TERTIARY DIRECTIVES:
Stab all of high-engineer Kevin’s enemies (Anomalous code)
I lead the crew back.
I like the crew.
Good robots help those they like.
I am a good robot.
Republished with permission from the author, Reddit user u/Mercury_the_dealer. Image created with DALL-E.